Torn

I have been struggling and struggling with a the huge decision of whether or not to homeschool my kids. It's something we have been thinking about for 3 years now and kindergarten registration is fast approaching. I have prayed about it, talked to homeschooling friends and family about it, read countless numbers of websites and blogs and am still having such a difficult time. My neighbor just decided to homeschool. One week, she said she was absolutely not even considering it and the next week, she was thoroughly convinced that this was the way to go. Why can I not make a decision so easily? Why am I up all night going over and over this in my head? We have made our pro and con list and the biggest thing standing in my way is that I feel like I am signing my life away. It was very important to Jim and I that I stay home with our children when they are young. Done. I couldn't be happier. But I have long been looking towards the day when they would all be in school and I could start MY life. Jim and I got married when I was still in college and got pregnant just a couple of weeks later. I never had the opportunity to start a career before life with children began. I have no regrets and I meet stay at home moms every day who have quit their jobs as lawyers and pediatricians to stay home with their kids and love it, but part of me is very selfishly looking forward to that day when it is my turn. Should I homeschool, that day could be delayed for years and years. Never mind the added bonus of the extra income; my sanity could be at stake!

For whatever reason, however, I still feel called to do this. I look at today's society, it's focus on materialism, sex, and power, and I just feel like God is telling me that this is what I should do. I'm certainly not saying that I think every kid who goes to school is doomed for failure or that there aren't wonderful school systems out there, but what I am saying is that I feel like God is telling me that MY kids, maybe one, maybe all three, may not be able to withstand the pressures of the world if I send them out in it right now. My all time favorite verse:

"Do not be conformed to this world, but continually be transformed by the renewing of your minds so that you may be able to determine what God's will is-what is proper, pleasing, and perfect" Romans 12:2

This verse has helped me so many times since I've been married, especially when the temptaion creeps in to shop for unnecessary things, to try and keep up with the Jones', or hyper-parent my kid into every music class and sport. But now I think it is helping me make the decision to teach them in a comletely unconventional way that I know will earn me plenty of negative feedback. But nobody ever said following God's will was easy.

Jim is supportive either way. Jim also had a wonderful school experience and didn't make many bad decisions growing up. We differ just a little bit there. I don't recall actually learning much of anything in school. The idea of homeschooling is new to him but the more research he does on it, the more on board he is. Ultimately, however, it will be me who will be doing the bulk of the actual schooling so he would be just as supportive if we send them to school too. So if you're reading this and you are at all concerned about the outcome. Please pray for us and this decision we are facing. I'll keep you posted on what we decide and I hope that is very very soon.